Ever since I can remember I wanted to be glamourous. Maybe I got it from my mother. I think she always wanted to be glamorous too. And in her own way she is truely glamourous. She taught me that taking care of yourself it not about pleasing other people or trying to impress, its about the fact that you are worth taking care of.
Its rather ironic that I am listening to the online radio at this particular moment and its playing a techno remix of a song called, i know something good is coming. And that is how I feel today. I feel that something awesome is coming. That its going to be hard, and difficult but as far as i have experienced most things that are worth doing in life are hard. The thing that i most want is a healthy relationship with food. I have stopped depriving myself. And started using my cognitive behavoral therapy to try to find the reason behind my eating habits. As i have stated before I am convinced this is way more of a psycological problem that a self dicipline problem.
I have been on a diet since the beginning of time. I wasn't fat as a kid, but by about grade 5 or six i was packing the belly. So began the never ending "battle of the bulge". Ugh that sounds terrible. We need a better name for that. If anyone knows of a better one for that please post it. I think the fact that junk food is sacred, and you shouldnt be eating it, it will get you in trouble is probably why i am fat. Ever since i was born I always wanted to do what i wanted to do, and most of the time that meant breaking the rules. I think part of the reason why i love tattoos so much is because the world tells you shouldnt do them. Sometimes i break the rules just because they are rules. I HATE BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO. if you gave me a rule that i had to have fun today, i would break it and not have fun, acutly aware that it made no sense.
So in a really long way i think that is why i do not stop at one chip, or one cookie. The fact that there is shame in eating these foods I feel like i have to have as much as i can because i am not going to get it again. If i knew that anytime i wanted a cookie i could go get one guilt free i would think completely different about it. It's kind of like french way of eating. Well its just a though.
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That's funny you and I had the same childhood. Not really fat but not "normal" like the other kids either. I am actually a WW Lifetime Member (currently reforming *laughs*)I reached my goal weight at 18 after losing like 40lbs. however, I did it for my Mother so nothing really stuck. So now, I'm doing it for me.
As for the other post about the CBT, I am not sure about it. This whole thing started after I had my second child. The moods are unreal. Like yesterday at work, I was just in a fit state. For no sane reason either. Everyone who spoke to me, I was ready to snap at. It always happens that way, I get agitated and iritated and I know I'm doing it, but no amount of my trying makes it go away.
I will have to figure something out, because I can't be on depo the rest of my life. If this is a preview of menopause, I may just have to lock myself away from people *laughs*
As for your rules, I don't like them much either, but I look at it this way. I can break the rules all I want but the longer I do the longer I shell out 15 a week to get it off my ass *wink*
stay strong,
Nic
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