In search of some much needed reinforcement i went looking to my online inspirations realizing that i needed a boost. I seem to have lost my drive to obtain a goal i so desperately want. After hearing all of the hoopla about the Beck Diet solution i am willing to give it a shot. I have followed so many other ridiculous diets over the years that this can't possibly be the worst. I have attended Cognitive behavioural therapy in the past and it completely changed my life. i can only hope using the same approach to food will be the same.

Good thing I take care of myself better than i take care of this blog

So it has been a successful couple of weeks. The running total is 12 pounds.. IN COUNTING. its seems like a little and a lot all at the same time. I cannot wait to loose more only because then i get to get another tattoo. I am hoping that i will be able to succeed and loose another 3 pounds this week to make it an even 15.

I never thought i would actually say this but i enjoy my nightly exercise. I am continueing the run as far as i can and complete my 5km with walking since i cant run it all yet. but i want it so badly. I want to be able to run the 5 km more than anything else right now. More than loosing weight, more than anything.

I HATE BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO

Ever since I can remember I wanted to be glamourous. Maybe I got it from my mother. I think she always wanted to be glamorous too. And in her own way she is truely glamourous. She taught me that taking care of yourself it not about pleasing other people or trying to impress, its about the fact that you are worth taking care of.

Its rather ironic that I am listening to the online radio at this particular moment and its playing a techno remix of a song called, i know something good is coming. And that is how I feel today. I feel that something awesome is coming. That its going to be hard, and difficult but as far as i have experienced most things that are worth doing in life are hard. The thing that i most want is a healthy relationship with food. I have stopped depriving myself. And started using my cognitive behavoral therapy to try to find the reason behind my eating habits. As i have stated before I am convinced this is way more of a psycological problem that a self dicipline problem.

I have been on a diet since the beginning of time. I wasn't fat as a kid, but by about grade 5 or six i was packing the belly. So began the never ending "battle of the bulge". Ugh that sounds terrible. We need a better name for that. If anyone knows of a better one for that please post it. I think the fact that junk food is sacred, and you shouldnt be eating it, it will get you in trouble is probably why i am fat. Ever since i was born I always wanted to do what i wanted to do, and most of the time that meant breaking the rules. I think part of the reason why i love tattoos so much is because the world tells you shouldnt do them. Sometimes i break the rules just because they are rules. I HATE BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO. if you gave me a rule that i had to have fun today, i would break it and not have fun, acutly aware that it made no sense.

So in a really long way i think that is why i do not stop at one chip, or one cookie. The fact that there is shame in eating these foods I feel like i have to have as much as i can because i am not going to get it again. If i knew that anytime i wanted a cookie i could go get one guilt free i would think completely different about it. It's kind of like french way of eating. Well its just a though.

So really, where have I been? living under a rock. I didn't know that there was an entire community out there doing this with me. Its fucking wonderful! So lets get down to business. I went in for a weigh in last night and i am down 2.4. Which makes up for the 3 pound weight gain last week. (damn you beer!). I am just starting the process and i feel like last week was the week where you start doing something new and all of a sudden you get it. That was last week. So today I started running. Couldn't get to far without those crazy chest cramps but I started none the less. I couldn't be happier to find other bloggers and online support which I find way more interesting and informative than the actual weight watcher meetings themselves. I think that they are great and necessary and definitely believe that going to weight watchers keeps me accountable, as i have a habit of er... lets say getting distracted. This is where i hope to find and give other people the "real talk" about losing weight. Obviously there is more to this process than just self discipline because I have no idea how i can have a great job, fabulous friends and all these other things about which i have strived so hard for but I can't put down a chocolate bar, you have got to be kidding me. So let the games begin!

The MEAN REDS

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
Paul Varjak: Sure.
Holly Golightly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!

"Breakfast At Tiffanys." 1961.

What i know about love i learned from Casablanca

Yesterday I learned how important a narrative is. We need stories and personal accounts to help us grow and learn. How much about love have we learned from movies? Where would we be without our favourite books. After being inspired by a few others I felt the need to document my narrative for me, and well maybe for you as well.